The Solution

I had the radio on again. Yes, I know, I really should change the station but it’s so bizarre I just can’t. Last night I heard an ad that is the answer to the meltdown the world is experiencing. Are you ready? Survival Seeds. From the Survival Seed Bank.

All you need to do is buy some of these magic beans, er, calypso beans I mean, and all your troubles will be solved. When everyone else is going hungry you won’t. Not if you’ve spent your hard-earned $129 on this wondrous assortment of Survival Seeds. That’s the reduced price, it’s normally $249 so you better hurry. And you have at least an acre of land to plant them in. And you know how to tend a garden, including collecting seeds for next year’s crop. And you can go without food for a few months while your seeds sprout and come to fruition.

Now these are not your average, every day seeds you can buy at the store today. No, the readily available seeds are hybrids. These Survival Seeds aren’t which means you really can propagate them yourself. According to the ad these plants will also assimilate minerals from the soil, unlike hybrid seeds because they are made by God. Yup, slipped that in there too, clever doomsday Sayers that they are. They even quoted Genesis for good measure: And God said, “Let the earth sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth.

Okay so not only do you get calypso beans in your assortment of individually package seeds which are then sealed in foil packets to increase shelf life you get a total of 22 different types which will then, and I quote, “produce thousands of pounds of nutrient-dense food for pennies a pound.” The other items included in this amazing offer are: Hidasta red beans, tiger’s eye beans, bloody butcher corn, country gentlemen corn, forellenschuss lettuce, speckled lettuce, boule d’Or melon, Australian brown onion, American spinach, scarlet nantez carrot, white box radish, Siberian Tomato, Amish snap peas, mammoth red rock cabbage, giant swiss chard, dark red beet, big butternut squash, king of the north pepper, Georgia flame pepper, double yield cucumbers and Rossa Bianca eggplant. Wow, quite an appetizing list there, isn’t it?

But wait, that’s not all you get. Oh no sirree, in addition, if you act right now, you also get a bottle of “Nitro Seed Starter Solution” to soak your seeds in before planting so they can hit the ground running, as it were, as well as detailed instructions for saving seeds for next year. Thank goodness for that. How on earth could we possibly survive without radishes to tide us over until times get better?

Naturally, you must order now. As they say, time is of the essence! Yes, they really do say that. And, in case you’re worried about the neighbors breaking down your door to steal your precious Survival Seeds, you needn’t be. The whole kit and caboodle comes packaged in a handy dandy Indestructible Survival Seed Bank that can be buried to keep it safe. Yeah, like anyone is going to steal seeds when they can wait and steal produce instead.

Whew. I feel so much better now, don’t you?