Dear Beau,

I miss you.

 

You’ve been gone two years now.  Since you left me I’ve tried to be as brave and strong as you were but there are times when I fail.  I’m sorry for that.  Feels like I’m not honoring your memory as I should.  I will do better.  For you.

I always believed that magic draws magic.  Oh yes, I am magic. Definitely.  But not like you.   You were, without exception, the most magical, mystical creature ever!  You still are.  I know you gathered the kitties that came before you and crafted the fae Teague just for me.  He has traits from each of you.  Never fails to make me smile when he reveals another one.  And how else would he have gotten to the right person to get him to me without your help?

Kya was sitting with me this morning.  I can tell she misses you too.  None of the boys snuggle with her like you used to.  They pick on her instead.  Can you whisper to them please and get them to stop that?  As you know, she’s a very sweet girl who just wants cuddling.

With everything going on now I wish you were still here in person but I know you’re watching over me.  You’ll take care of me same you always have.

It just hurts today, you know?  Five years wasn't enough.

I love you, Beau.  Always will.  See you in my dreams…

Snippet 3

Shh. I have a secret. Huge! Too big to keep to myself so I'm going to share it with you. C'mere. It's the moon. She's mine! No, silly. Not like that. No one can own the moon. I mean she's my best friend. Oh sure, I let everyone else enjoy her but way down deep inside I know without a doubt that she's there for me. Always watching over me, protecting me, lighting my way when I need her to. Sometimes we play hide and seek, her behind the clouds, me in the shadows. She wins more often than I do because she know just how to shift so I'm back in her light again. Honestly, I wouldn't want it any different. Sometimes she can't wait until night to see me and pops out during the day. Did you see her a month or so ago? Strutting out at high noon so fast to find me that she blocked out the sun! Boy, did that cause a stir! And last night, after the rain, did you see her? Wasn't she glorious! All that, just for me. I am so loved!

Another Snippet

He watched her wander into the market. There was something about her, a stillness even when she was in motion that captivated him. He’d had a stand there for years and knew all the regulars. He also recognized the occasional patrons. She was new, different. From away if he were a betting man. He liked his routine and just her being there was disrupting it somehow. He wanted to ignore her but couldn’t. She both disturbed and fascinated him in ways he knew he’d never be able to explain to anyone, not that he had any intention of trying. When she stopped at the end of his table he had to fight the urge to run away almost as much as his impulse to rush towards her. He watched in awe as his helper greeted her as if she were anyone. Looking around, he saw that no one else seemed to notice anything odd about her. Or if they did, they were hiding it much better than he was. When she looked up at the young man and shook her head his breath caught. He’d never seen an expression of such pure peace before. As if on cue she turned toward him and snared him with her gaze. Waves of serenity exuded from her and washed over him. He still wanted to flee but found himself gravitating to her instead. She glanced at the peaches before her and waited quietly. Without conscious thought, he chose one perfect peach and handed it to her. The anticipation nearly killed him. For a brief instant everything went silent. The surrounding area was as still as she was. Then she brought the fruit to her nose and inhaled deeply. She smiled at him and nodded, biting into it, letting the juice run freely down her arm. She thanked him softly and moved away. The simple act was nothing yet it was everything. He knew deep in his soul that his world had just shifted. She would be back and his life would never be the same…

A Snippet

And the world faded around her. She had fought so hard to be what they demanded, to become what they saw her as. But in her shattered heart she knew it wasn’t her. She finally accepted the impossibility of it. Time to let it all go and move on. Maybe, hopefully she would one day step back out of the shadows and find a tribe to call her own. One where she was accepted, cherished even, as she truly was. For now though, she had to begin the journey on her own. The one to reclaim herself and discover who she really was behind all the masks she juggled for eons. It was so long that she’d hidden her true self that even she didn’t know her anymore. If you see her going along her solitary way, please be kind. She carries enough disappointment in herself for the masses. Don’t add to it. Nod and let her pass. This empty shell phase won’t last forever. She will sooner or later be back in all the shining glory she held when she was young. Before she was beaten by the life she struggled to fit in to...

Growy Things

Balsam with Admiral 

The only good thing about summer is getting to play in the dirt.  And enjoying what comes of said dirt-playing.

Battle!

This year it has rained often enough that things are growing as in GROWING!  One of the gardens I tend is maybe 10' x 24'.  Not a bad size.  There are lots of things I can't put in there because the deer who wander through the yard snack as they go.  I can do cucumber, squash, peppers and sometimes tomatoes.  Yes, if it's too dry the deer start nipping the tomato leaves for moisture but, as I said, this year it's raining.  Still don't have any tomatoes to speak of, or not there anyway.  You see, the cucumbers and squash are having a battle.  They're planted at opposite ends of the garden but they're all growing out of control and have taken over the center.  I have celery planted for the first time and had to search for it today.

Harvest

Celery

The homeowners always encourage me to take as much produce as I want.  (No, I didn't tell them that I always eat the first of everything I grow for them.)  This year there's more than enough for all of us.

The butterfly weed I started last year for the Monarch butterflies is doing well.  It's bloomed and some is now going to seed.  I'm letting it because I would like to help them and the woman that lives there loves butterflies so she's happy with anything that attracts them.  I'm planning on snagging some other butterfly-friendly plants and doing some rearranging.  Good thing too as this morning there was a Monarch fluttering around as I work.  I love to add flowers without telling them!  It's so much fun when they eventually notice the new things I've planted.

Butterfly Weed

New Red Flowers

I put in hollyhocks this year.  My great aunt used to have them in her yard and I decided I needed some.  My yard, of course is full so in they went at the new garden I tend.  They'll be blooming soon.  Yep, I'll post a picture as soon as they do.

That's it for now.  Go out and get your hands dirty!

Different Lifetimes

I know.  I haven’t been here in ages.  I apologize for that and thank you for stopping by.

I wasn’t here because it hurts too much to try and write.  Even this little bit is painful.  Not physically though my thumbs aren’t moving well today.  No, the pain is mental, emotional.  You see my publisher, who I trusted enough to place a dozen books with, ran into some difficulties and closed down.  (Or so it seems but that’s for another day.)  I became disheartened.  No, that’s not really the right word.  It’s more than that.  It sucked the writing soul right out of me and left me so hurt and angry that the characters who live in my head went into hiding.  The ones who used to whisper blogs to me got so quiet I can no longer hear them.  So all you get to today is me, on my own, trying to string words together that make sense.  It’s a new experience for me, writing on my own.  I don’t like it one bit.  Part of me is petrified that the writer lifetime of me is over.

Like the musician lifetime.  When I was a child I played a string bass.  Quite well actually.  I was good enough to be invited along for an orchestra trip that traveled to a music festival in England.  I auditioned for local events and made it all the way to the state level.  I was loaned out to other schools that didn’t have a bass player and played for their spring musicals.  I even spent several summers at a high quality music camp.  Nope, can’t play now.  Last time I tried it was bad.  Very, very bad.

For part of my college lifetime I was multi-lingual.  I took German and Spanish in high school.  German, Russian and French in college.  I had a study system where I reviewed things in several languages at one time, not just whichever class I was preparing for and English.  It worked tremendously well.  I was good at it.  I was happy making it all blend in my mind.  Sadly once I graduated I didn’t stick with it and most of the things I knew in that lifetime are gone now.

I had a job stitching original models for the design department in a craft kit manufacturing company.  Back then I did beautiful needlework.  All forms of cross stitch and needlepoint.  I remember one piece was a line of bears with sweaters that looked knitted.  Every morning I would top stitch a new expression on each of their faces so I could enjoy them as I worked throughout the day.  Even after I transferred into a different department I continued to stitch.  I drifted away from that years ago.  Recently I came across some things I’d made.  They’re beautiful.  I wonder if my fingers would remember how to do that.   I’m intimidated to try.  I’m afraid it’ll be as much of a disaster as attempting to be musical was.

 

These days I’m knitting.  I learned to do that as a child, taught by my grandmother.  I made a few things and then moved on.  Thirty years later a friend inspired me to try knitting again.  I’m happy to say that it came back.  You should see the socks I’ve made!  And the reversible scarf!

  I’m thrilled with them but not.  They seem to be draining away all my creative energy.

Which takes me back to writing.  I don’t know if knitting is actually using up my creativity or giving me an outlet to keep my head from exploding while my characters are in exile.  I’m very restless these days.  I haven’t been able to sit still long enough to knit lately.  Upsetting as I’m in the middle of several projects that I really want to finish.   I weave magic into my knitting and I don’t want it to go wasted.  That would not be cool, trust me.

So there is change coming.  A new lifetime starting.  No, I don’t know what it will be.  I’m not even sure I want to know.  My only hope is that I don’t lose what I’ve learned in the last ones this time.  Maybe, someday, the universe will give everything back at once.  Wouldn’t that be amazing?  Can you imagine me able to do all that I ever could?