Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Don't Get It

For today’s lunchtime entertainment I read a popular makeup catalog. Never having worn much makeup myself, I had a lot of questions as I paged through it. Fortunately, someone in the know took pity on me and explained. Unfortunately for her, my asking made her question her whole morning routine.

Here’s just some of what confused me.

Lips – Lip color is now available in what looks like a nail polish bottle. Thank goodness they’re easy to tell apart. How? Because the lip stuff has a layered look to it. Odd layers. Yellow, white and gray layers. The catalog does show a splash of the blended color so you know what shade it ends up after you swirl the applicator through it. Now I could be wrong but I suspect you pay extra for the privilege of mixing it yourself.

Eyes – Two things here. One is metallic shimmer, light-reflecting finish intense liquid shadow. Intense liquid? What’s that mean? My consultant didn’t know either. Light-reflecting? If the picture is anywhere close to accurate you would not be able to sit across from anyone wearing this because the glare would be too great.

The second baffling thing I found for eyes are cheat sheets, instant eyeshadow sheets. They are little papers that are glasses shaped with two different shades of shadow adhered. You peel off the protective plastic cover, place over the closed eye, yes they really do specify that, press and rub the entire sheet to transfer the eyeshadow and finally, blend with fingertips for professional results. You get 14 sheets for the low, low price of $9.00. Um, okay.

Foundation – This is the area I needed the most help with because I was so lost. First I came across was a wedge applicator. This is a stick with replaceable triangular sponges. The sponges come semi-attached in sort of a flower design. I guess that’s so you can do the he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not as you apply your makeup every day. As I understand it, you put on your foundation with your fingertips and then use the sponge to ensure that it’s evenly dispersed.

A few pages further back in the catalog, I found a tube of foundation that had a brush attached directly to it. You twist open the cap, squeeze some liquid into the brush, glob it onto your cheek and then smooth with your fingers, being sure to twist the container closed AND wipe the brush between uses. My question is why do you need either a brush or a sponge? Why can’t you just use your fingertips and be done with it? Perhaps because they can’t charge you for your own hands?

Another noteworthy item is the precision-tipped applicator for a line-filling treatment. Using this will get you an instant reduction in the length of deep expression lines of up to 75%. Looks like a tube of crazy glue to me so I think I’ll pass. If you choose to give it a shot, you may also want to try the plumping lipcolor to increase the fullness of your lips and lid-lifting eyeshadow so you have the complete package.

Something else I found perplexing that my resident expert couldn’t explain was the selection of ergonomic makeup brushes. They are available for whatever substance you might wish to apply. Okay what I want to know is why? When it takes mere seconds to swipe on any and all of these powders why do you need an ergonomic gizmo to do so? Unless you’re a professional makeup artist I see no need. As it is, I seriously doubt that this catalog would be the source of choice for their equipment.

And don’t even get me started on the grow potion for your nails or the dial-a-glow anti-aging 4-level gradual self-tanning solution.

I didn't have time today for the non-makeup portion of the catalog. Perhaps I'll look through that at lunch tomorrow.


Smut Girl said...

oh my god. why did you do that? why? that is like looking into the abyss. And then...((gasp)) it looks back at you.

Do not listen to them. Hum very loudly and just be naturally gorgeous. I live with bronzer, mascra and "Snogging" lipgloss by Rimmel. No potions and proders and pluckers and cheat sheets and cellulite creams.

Just do not look at your ass! Problem solved.

The moment I read one of those catalogs I feel wrinkled and shriveled and de-plumped and pale and too red with a bluish undertone and my veins are to big, my eye are too small...

I'm having a panic attack. Stupid makeup people.

You are gorgeous! Step away from the catalog and no one gets hurt.

Anny Cook said...

I sat here laughing for a good five minutes. I don't wear ANY makeup unless my neighbor drags me kicking and screaming into the bathroom. Heh. That's exactly what I was like when she was giving me makeup lessons before RT. Heh. Thanks for the laugh.

Sandra Cox said...

That was great:) Also thanks for the pics:)

Regina Carlysle said...

Damn! Too funny, Barb! It IS confusing isn't it? I use the Bare Essentuals Powder stuff and it's oh so easy. Screw the fancy brushes though. You don't need em. It's all an insidious plot to take your money from you.

Me? A little "powder" foundation, a little blush, a little mascara for my blonde eyelashes. Most of the time I'm home and don't bother.

The confusion just isn't worth it in the long run, honey.

Amarinda Jones said...

Make-up = lipstick and nothing else - throw the catalougue away

Amarinda Jones said...

...bugger - an extra 'u' there

Molly Daniels said...

When hubby and I were first dating, I hadn't put on my makeup yet. I went into the bathroom; applied blush, eyeshadow, mascara, and walked out. He had taken off his shirt and was watching TV. Apparently, when his sister would disappear to 'put on her face', she would take two hours. What a shock when he realized I take less than 5 minutes!

I don't get the need to be totally 'made up'. I'm a low-maintainance gal.

Kelly Kirch said...

How does one make a stick shape more ergonomic anyway? Are they padded, curved at the end, have indents for your fingertips? And what if you apply your eyeshadow sheet crooked? up into the crevice of your eye or over your eyebrow? Did I just waste a quarter dollar to do that?

Boy there are soooo many things which should never be messed with.