Postmortem Options

What are your plans for when you’re dead? Are you a traditionalist? You know, the whole embalmed, casket, vault or mausoleum bit. Cremation perhaps? How about some alternatives?

I heard a report on the radio in the wee hours of the morning about how cemeteries are now going green. No embalming, no vaults, biodegradable coffins, headstones of indigenous stone only, landscaping that is designed to slowly revert back to nature. Not a bad idea. For more info, click on the banner.

But let’s take it a step beyond the norm. Many cultures have funeral pyres. Kind of average, right? Let’s add a twist. Instead of letting me be dispersed by the elements, let’s collect up the ashes and hold a raffle. I’ll even sell the tickets myself. Now, of course. For a lot of money. Hey, who wouldn’t want me taking up residence on the mantel after I’m dead and incinerated? I’m sure the demand will be tremendous but before you start scrambling to get your ticket, I should tell you that I plan on living a very long time. Unless you want my ashes scattered on your grave then you better do so too.

I know a woman who has always said that if she dies first she wants to be stuffed and mounted on roller skates, kind of like an overgrown pull toy for her husband. She figures that way he can continue to take her with him everywhere he goes. I’m not sure if she’s lined up the taxidermist yet or not.

What if you are destitute when you die? You wouldn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I’m sure we could find a less than scrupulous soup kitchen out there somewhere. Or if the idea of that doesn’t suit, even though you’d be performing the ultimate in community service, how about going on one last deep sea fishing expedition…with you as the chum?

No? Okay, here’s an idea for those of you who prefer to leave more of a mark. If you live in an arid region and die before me I could mummify you. I’ll need you to select a location off the beaten path location where I can then tuck you away for safe keeping. Imagine the speculation you’ll cause in a few hundred years when you’re finally discovered.

Of course there is one traditional method I skipped. You could donate your organs to those in need and the rest of you to a med school. Admirable but I doubt my parts will be of much good by the time I cash in and personally, I’d prefer to become part of a forensic anthropology program. Yes, there really are schools that accept donations of corpses just for the purpose of sticking them out in the elements to be salvaged and studied at a later date. I saw an article about it back when Kathy Reichs first started writing. I couldn’t resist showing it my mother and announcing that that’s what I’m going to do. Will I really? It all depends on the number of raffle tickets I sell.

Tour de France Update -

Winner Stage 5, July 9 - Cavendish - Great Britain
Overall Leader - Schumacher - Germany