Saturday, May 17, 2008

Reclaiming Me

I did something today I haven't done in years. I planted flowers in my yard. I always used to have a whole mess of all sorts of flowers growing out there. It drove my mother, the master gardner, crazy because I'd plant too many different things in the space allotted, I'd put shade plants in full sun, marsh plants in my dry yard... You get the idea. What annoyed her most is that everthing always grew.

Anyway, I went out and got a slew of every imaginable color flowers today and was in the process of stuffing them in the ground when it hit me that I couldn't remember how long it's been since I've done this. Really, I have no idea. However, I do know why. And I'm very ashamed for the reason. I let my ex get me so down that I lost my ability to enjoy even the simplest things like tending a patch of flowers, something I always enjoyed before. I was that depressed that I lost the joy of nature's colors.

So today, as I was arranging and planting all those baby plants I was also beating myself up for being such a fool. I sat there and cried because I didn't have enough sense to save myself sooner. And then I stopped. As I see it, better late than never, right? It's been six months now and I'm still finding parts of myself that I'd tucked away for safekeeping without even realizing it.

Today demonstrated that I'm nowhere close to reclaiming all of me yet. I still have a long way to go before I feel whole again. But I've also come a long way since I made the decision to evict him from my life. It hasn't been easy but then I didn't really expect it to be. There are some hurts that I'll never get over even though I will learn to live with them. No, not yet but someday.

Why am I rambling on about this? Because it's important. If you've never found yourself in a similar position in your life then hooray for you. I hope you never do. But if you have or if you're still struggling with the decision to make the change and start over completely then this is for you. My life is far from perfect these days but it's a hell of a lot better than it was last year at this time. Or the year before that. Or the year before... I guess my point is that no matter how scared you are, don't be. It's better to be scared and alive than letting yourself die a little more each day without consciously ackowledging it and at least trying to do something about it. If I can do this, anyone can. All you need is a little faith in yourself. And if you think you don't have any left, I can tell you from personal experience that you're wrong. It's still in there, hidden beneath the layers you've concocted, just like I did, to rescue yourself so that someday, you too can once again find the pleasure in something as simple as planting a marigold.


Amarinda Jones said...

I think you are closer than you believe to reclaiming yourself and sitting down and having the odd cry just means you are human. I cannot pretend that I understand what you went through. I never could. But I do know that you have more strength than you allow yourself to believe. You are a fantastic person with unlimited potential. You are a published writer with people who want to buy your books because of the power of your words. That's huge. And, you have people who admire you for your strength and take heart because it.

Forget him - he's a wanker - who was he again? No one. You are someone.

Anny Cook said...

It doesn't even have to be a significant other in your life. It can be a "friend" that's dragging you down or a over-bearing spouse or manipulative child. Anyone who takes the joy out of your life counts. So when you finally toss that person out where they belong, celebrate. I wish you much joy from your flowers and all those other hidden parts of your life.

Sandra Cox said...

What a beautiful blog. I'm glad you found your garden and yourself again.

barbara huffert said...

Thank you friends. You can't know how much I appreciate each of you.

Anika Hamilton said...

Congrats for reclaiming your garden and ultimate your joy.

Kelly Kirch said...

Wonderful. Welcome back bit by bit, Barb. See how beautiful you are?