Friday, June 27, 2008

I AM a Goddess!!!





Sometimes anger is a good thing. Mine finally kicked in last night. Unfortunately it took another round of kicking me for it to happen but it's here now and I'm going to use it to my advantage.

Without going into unnecessary details I'll give you what you need to make sense of my babbling. As you may or may not know, I ended a very bad long term relationship last fall. I've been redoing my life ever since, reclaiming me as it were, digging all the parts of me back out that I'd buried deep inside for safekeeping.

A few months after I regained my freedom, I happened to bump into an old, old friend who I thought would make the perfect transition guy. You know what I mean, someone who would help me relearn how to have fun and provide me with a much needed confidence boost. Someone who was good for me who, in turn, would reap the benefits of all my pent up, well, you know.

At the beginning, he was exactly that. And then it changed. I think he scared himself because he was more attached than I was. Would I have gotten there eventually? We'll never know that because last week he underwent a complete personality transformation and severed our contact in a very cruel and heartless manner. And yesterday, as if that wasn't enough, he added to it.

Yes, I was very hurt. In a lot of ways I still am. My confidence is even shakier than before. My self-worth is even more lacking. Until I sat down and honestly thought about it and put it into the proper perspecitve that is.

It's his loss, not mine. One day he's going to wake up and realize what a fool he was to carelessly toss me aside because sooner or later I am going to be so damn incredible that being with me would have made him the luckiest man alive. It's my sincere belief that he will end up a lonely, bitter man.

And, now that I've said that once, I will do everything within my power to make it happen. I will be a me so good that you can't even begin to imagine it now. And who will share that with me? I don't know yet but you better believe it won't be him. Nope, next time I'm holding out for someone who is truly worthy and will worship me for the goddess I am.

Hey, hold on a second. I'm having a revalation. I think, perhaps, this experience did serve a purpose after all, though not the one I anticipated. Instead of rebuilding my confidence in all things dating, something I assure you I won't be attempting again in the near future, he helped to restore something much more valuable, my abitlity and willingness to stand up and fight for myself. That's an aspect of my personality that's been very illusive the last few years. Hm, I wonder if I continue to ponder this if I'll then figure out why it needed to be such a painful lesson learned.

8 comments:

Ray said...

Barbara,

You don't need to worry about being incredible sometime in the future. You are NOW!

Illigitimus Non Carborandum.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Ray

Neeley said...

Sorry I've been MIA, my dear. I see you've been posting about my hijinks again - glad I could entertain ;)

I am sorry you're going through this with that man, if he can be called such. But I'm so glad that you are remembering that you're the important one here. And if you don't stand up for yourself, I will. Oh, and I know his e-mail... *wrings hands evilly*

Ruth said...

Well, darlin you finally got it. You are the one who has to love you. Because you are the one who is incredible, beautiful, intelligent, etcetera.... you just let your want subjugate yourself. Now quit worrying about what anyone else thinks, be who you are and you'll find that you are irresistible as well. HUGS and MUAH!!!!

LynTaylor said...

Good on you Barbara! ((hugs))

Amarinda Jones said...

I spit on his name...he is a wanker

You are too damn good for him

See? I 'm not the only one who thinks you are teetering on the brink of incredible.

Molly Daniels said...

You go girl! You're right; one day he'll wake up and realize what a wonderful person he let go.

Lots o' hugs:)

barbara huffert said...

Thanks everyone. I hope some of your confidence in me rubs off.

Anny Cook said...

I bow to you, chick. Go get 'im.