Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sometimes There are No Goodbyes

Dreams die first. That’s what they tell you. What if you never had any? Or what if you only have nightmares? Would it then be such a bad thing to have them die?

Life’s too short. Depends on the kind of life you have, doesn’t it? What if life is filled with unending pain or paralyzing sadness? Maybe then life’s too long.

Don’t take it so personally. Mm, right. Like that’s possible. Really, how can you not when you’re directly involved and have just been squashed like the proverbial bug?

Stop overreacting. It’s not all that bad. Well, no, in and of itself, it isn’t that bad. But what if it’s the last straw in a long line of not that bad things? What if this little nothing is the one that finally tips the balance and makes it too much? What if you’ve reached the point where any further effort seems futile? Then what?

What if life has gotten so bad you can’t stand it another second? Wait, before you start jumping to inaccurate conclusions here I am NOT talking about myself. Honestly, I’m not. Yes, I do have some things I’m dealing with but none are anywhere close to being that bad. Besides I value myself and my life too much to even consider that. Not to mention I have a few good friends who I know I can reach out to as needed.

So what am I rambling about? I had a friend once, the one in the red plaid boxers, who couldn’t handle it anymore. He’d moved away by then and we only talked a few times a year. I didn’t know how bad it had gotten and he didn’t tell me. He did call to say goodbye only he didn’t actually say the words so I didn't realize it. I’ve replayed the conversation over in my mind a gazillion times and each time there is no hint of what he intended.

I know I’m not to blame. I know there was nothing I could have said that would have made a difference. Well, no, actually I don’t know that. I didn’t have the chance to try. And I most definitely would have had I been given that chance.

It’s been twenty years now and sometimes I still feel just as bad as I did then, like I let him down. Like I should have known somehow. Like I should have been able to do something. I wonder if the sense of hopelessness and guilt will ever go away. I doubt it.


Amarinda Jones said...

I believe if you did not think of him then you would not be the good, caring person I know you are. And you're right - sometimes you never know when the last goodbye will be.

Good blog - we need to have reality hit us every so often to pull us back into line

Cindy Spencer Pape said...

Oh Barb, those whole chains of little things really can get you down. And sometimes twenty years really does feel like yesterday. Sending lots of mental hugs your way, and wishing I could do more.

anny cook said...

So what do you suppose his legacy is? I think it's simple. Because of his loss you are more aware. Because you still miss him, you are more likely to not miss the clues on the next one. Because you cared enough to speak up and share your feelings, the rest of us will open our eyes.

Not a bad legacy at all.

Regina Carlysle said...

Oh Barb. He knew you loved him, didn't he? He knew you cared. Sometimes in the very face of despair people can forget that. That darkness is just too deep to see their way out of. It's human to question...why couldn't I know? Or what could I have done? Sometimes there are just no explanations. I'm sooo sorry for your pain. Sending prayers and enormous hugs your way!