Saturday, June 7, 2008

Today's News


Apparently it's not only black cats that people need to be afraid of. There's been a new book found in Salem, in the floorboards of the first coven's house. Gee, imagine that. What a coincidence. The name of the guy that found it...Goth. The book...Black Beasts. Sensing a pattern here?

Among other supposedly unknown spells and curses, it contains a section on the consequences of crossing paths with various black critters.

Here are just a few:

Black horses give people huge sores on their butts. - Just by walking by? Wonder what happens if you ride one.

Black birds make you fall out of love with your spouse. - Sorry, doesn't specify if this is blackbirds or birds that are black.

Black bears put people in a coma for several months. - Maybe the bears just want a pillow for when they hibernate.

Black bats cause migraines. - Ah, so that's why I get them. Some witch sent a bat flying by when I was 8. Guess that's what happens when you're a bad child as I was.

Black goats cause the facial hair of onlookers to grow one hundred times faster than normal. - So it's not just a side-effect of aging? But I can't remeber encountering any goats on the streets of Reading lately.

Black squirrels drive people nuts. - Making a note to ask several people I know what color the squirrels in their yards are.

Goth goes on to say that, "This book could explain a number of mysterious maladies that people have suffered over the years.” Hm. Okay, moving right along...

There's a man in Kenya who after failing at being a plant safari guide, melon farmer, and impala rancher is now attempting to raise his body temperature by sitting in the sun during the hottest part of the day while drinking hot tea. He's already up to 106.6. His goal is 112 even though it's against his doctor's advice because there's a such good chance his head will pop before he reaches it. Why? Because he's never done anything important and this is his chance. And this is important because? He also claims his mother always wanted him to earn a degree or two. I suspect this is not what she had in mind. Hm, perhaps he played with black squirrels as a child.

In Romania vampires have determined that tuna blood has the same nutritional value as human blood. They are now lining the shores of the Black Sea, feasting on unsupecting tuna, throwing their drained carcasses back into the water. It's predicted that the tuna will shortly return to life which will severely damage the local fishing industry.

I see.

I think that's enough news for one day. I'm off to pick the last of my strawberries and then find a place to hide from the heatwave that's arrived six weeks ahead of schedule. Stay cool everyone.

9 comments:

Molly Daniels said...

Eat some strawberries for me??

Amarinda Jones said...

Wow...I guess Goth would not be making any money out of this? He's probably just doing it out of the goodness of his heart to warn us about all these black omens.

Sandra Cox said...

As you probably know, Black Shelter Dogs, are the hardest to place.

barbara huffert said...

That's just sad, Sandra. I guess people aren't the only ones discriminated against due to color.

I once rescued a pure black, very beat up cat from the street. I took him to the local shelter but went back for him 2 days later. After he healed he was incredibly handsome. He was a Siamese mix, all those characteristics in a sleek, black package and the most loving kitty imaginable.

Kelly Kirch said...

Ha! Excellent blog. What happens when animals have some black on them but not all covered in black?

vamp tuna. Pretty sure catching those with a net would be pc.

Ashley Ladd said...

Well, my totally black cat is the biggest sweetheart I've ever met. So either the superstitions aren't true, or I'll have bad luck forever as he crosses my path several times daily.

I'll make sure to avoid black goats - I don't want any facial hair.

Black ravens always gives me the creeps - they make me think Randall Flagg is watching (if you don't get the reference, read or watch Stephen King's THE STAND - GREAT book!)

Ashley Ladd said...

I've heard that black cats are more lovable and sweet than any other color cat. I can't say for sure it's true, but mine sure is and everybody I know who has a black cat says teh same thing. The black cats are the best. They get a bad rap for nothing.

anny cook said...

Vamp tuna. I love it. I wonder what happens if you catch a vamp tuna and eat it?

Molly Daniels said...

I've had three black labs and three black cats. All four were the best pets anyone would ever hope for. When Lucky goes, we may take a break from animals, especially if the rats are still around. But I'll gladly take another black lab in a heartbeat!